Non Existent State of Mind
by silver blood
Summary: Semi-dark Lit. I'm not sure where it's going. Changes in Chapter 3, and a new chapter today.
1. The Darkest Years

**Title:** Non-Existent State of Mind

  
  


**WARNING:** This story contains spoilers.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters I use in this story. They are property of Amy Sherman Palladino. I'm not making any money from this story.

**Summary:** Well, I'm not really sure where this story is going. I just know that it's going to be a Lit. I'm sort of creating as I go. Set after Ted Kopel's Big Night Out.

**Rating:** PG-13 for language

**A/N:** I am really trying to make this story good. I've read a lot of complaints about how the more recent stories aren't very good and they're true. So I'm going to make a humble attempt to bring the quality of stories to a higher level. Let me know whether it's working or not please! (Meaning REVIEW!!!)

Chapter One:  The Blackest Years

**_**And when you're all alone don't forget me_**

**_Because when I'm all alone I wont forget you_**

**_When you're all alone don't forget me because I'm_**

**_On the wrong side of the tracks**_**

The darkness moved slowly, shadows dancing across her window-pane. Her blue eyes followed the lines of the book held tightly in her grasp. Soon it would be too dark to read. Soon she would have to move from the cocoon she'd made in her bed, but for now she was content to be immersed in another's life. There was something about reading that made everything else seem dull and boring. That was, everything except him. 

Her normally bright eyes clouded over when she thought of Jess.

She thought about the town's former bad boy a lot. It wasn't like he was still in her heart, there was no place for him there anymore, but she couldn't keep his image out of her head. She had trouble forgetting the small things she'd once loved about him, like the way his hands felt in her hair. He could kiss like no other, and every time they had kissed, he'd taken her breath away. Or maybe she'd taken his. 

The light had faded around Rory, and she carefully closed her book. She could feel the darkness creeping in, the monsters of her past coming out of hiding. She shook her head violently, her hair flying in beautiful agony through the air. The image of the small town through her window was enough to shake her out of the slightly euphoric trance she entered every time she left the world behind. 

She looked around her room, which was almost completely filled with an absence of light. It had become less familiar and slightly stifling over the last few months, with the stuffed animals and posters she had on her walls. She felt that she belonged better in her dorm at Yale. If it weren't for her mother, she wouldn't ever leave the campus that she'd become accustomed to so quickly. Stars' Hollow had too many memories stored in its markets, benches, and bridges for her. It seemed that everywhere she went she had gone with either Jess or Dean on several occasions. Which made sense, it was a small town. 

Somehow Rory had ended up alone in the house for three days. Though Lorelai's presence could be felt, her body was nowhere to be found. She was out of town at the moment, taking care of some design plans for the Inn. Rory decided that she'd drive back on Sunday night, so she could have some time alone before returning to her school work. The Christmas holidays had worn her out, and she felt like taking a breather. 

Rory sighed and glanced at her alarm clock. The glaringly red numbers read 6:32. She pulled on a pair of pants and a t-shirt and walked to Luke's. 

When she entered she couldn't help but notice how empty it was. Among the few diner patrons there, a buzz of tension was shooting through the air. She ordered a burger and fries to go from the new guy that was working there, whose name she couldn't quite remember, and took a seat at the counter. It only took her a few seconds to notice the complete silence enveloping the room. It was as if her entrance had caused the world to cease motion. As soon as her food came she left the diner. The frigid air sent shivers down her spine. 

"I don't know what's fucking wrong with this town. I don't even wanna know. Fucking lunatics is what they are," She mumbled to herself. 

It was now nearing twilight, and Rory lifted her chin towards the sky, looking for stars. She was searching for the brightest one to wish on when she ran right into someone walking the opposite direction. 


	2. Forgotten

Chapter Two: Forgotten

**_**In the memory you'll find me_**

**_Eyes burning up_**

**_The darkness holding me tightly_**

**_Until the sun rises up**_**

****

****

It was now nearing twilight, and Rory lifted her chin towards the sky, looking for stars. She was searching for the brightest one to wish on when she ran right into someone walking the opposite direction. 

"Oh sorry!" She stumbled.

Rory looked up into dark eyes and felt her stomach drop to her toes. Her eyes widened and the whole world fell from under her, her head spinning. Her toes and fingers tingled with anger and she froze.

"Hi."

She didn't say a word. She didn't even acknowledge that he'd spoken to her. She looked into his eyes for a second, and started to walk away. She didn't want an explanation. She didn't want to hear his voice. She definitely did not want to kiss him. 

"Rory…"

She wondered why he was calling after her. The shadows were getting darker now, and she was a little frightened at the sound of footsteps behind her. She started walking a little faster and the footsteps matched her pace. Her blue eyes gleamed in the night as she started to run. Even knowing that it was Jess behind her, following her, she was still scared. Possibly more so than if she hadn't known who it was at all. The footsteps faded away, but she kept running through the darkness. She didn't stop until she was safely inside her house with the door locked.

She paced back and forth in her living room, wondering if Jess was going to follow her. She felt like she was being beaten on the head with hammers. She walked cautiously towards the front door, walking as quietly as she could so as not to disrupt the quiet of the house. She crouched down and approached the front door, slowly lifting her head to peek between the curtains.

"Shit!"

Jess was standing on the other side of the door, looking straight at her. He called her name just loud enough for her to hear as she ducked away. Slowly she turned and walked towards the door. She took as long as was humanly possible to turn the knob, but all too soon she was face to face with the bad boy that had been lingering on her mind for almost a year.

"Hi."

Rory swallowed. She couldn't seem to find any words inside her head. Her thoughts were too jumbled. She opened her mouth to speak, but found that she couldn't, and remained silent.

"Look, I know you must hate me, but I just have to- I just . . ."

He sighed in frustration.

"I just want to say I'm sorry, and-"

Rory started to close the door on him. She knew if he said one more word she'd lose it, and either start crying or screaming. She could feel it welling up in her chest.

"Rory I love you!" He said in a rush.

Rory froze. Shadows fell across his face, partially obscuring his features. She had to see him; she had to know that he looked the same, that he felt the same. She had to taste him. She opened the door slightly so the light from inside could spill upon his face.

_No! Are you crazy? This is Jess! He left with no goodbye. You don't like him! You hate him. It doesn't matter that he loves you! Get a hold of yourself! _

"I hate you."

Jess's features tightened, like he was trying to control himself. From doing what, she wasn't sure.

"Well I still love you." 

Rory didn't reply. She stood facing him, one hand on the doorknob, the other playing with the hem of her jeans. His eyes caught hers, and she was entranced. She always felt warm with his eyes upon her. She always knew when he was looking. The silence between them filled with tension, and she wasn't sure it would ever be broken. Maybe her mother would come home in a few days to find Jess on her doorstep, staring into her daughter's eyes with a passion he'd never expressed before.

Suddenly he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Rory's waist, pulling her towards him. Her whole body tensed and she froze. She was pressed up against him, his chest molded perfectly with hers. She felt a tear threatening to escape and she slowly slid her hands up his back, pulling him closer.

"I'm sorry. I want to make this right," He whispered into her hair. 

Suddenly she knew he couldn't. In one lightening-quick motion her hands slid up his chest and pushed him away with all her might. He wasn't expecting it, and crashed into the wall. She watched his jaw muscles tighten, transfixed. He truly was beautiful. 

He pushed himself away from the wall and walked out the front door, slamming it behind himself. 

She slid down the wall, tears slowly making their way down her face, and dripping off her chin one by one. She looked down as the teardrops stained her shirt, the tiny droplets expanding after they'd hit the fabric. It was only then that she noticed that she was wearing a Distillers T-shirt. One she'd bought at the concert she'd attended with Jess. She laughed hollowly, the sound reverberating through the empty house.


	3. Between Love & Hate

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I was having the shittiest day, so I decided to check my email and there were your reviews! I couldn't stop smiling for 20 minutes! Please let me know how I'm doing, okay? Thnx. 1st chapter, the lyrics were from "The Darkest Years" by the Distillers, 2nd chapter, it was "Forgotten" by Linkin Park, and this chapter it's "Between Love & Hate" by The Strokes. That's all! 

Chapter Three: Between Love & Hate

**_**Thinking about that high school dance_**

**_Worrying about the finals_**

**_Yes I know_**

**_You're feeling lonely_**

**_Oh lonely, so lonely_**

****

**_Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody_**

**_I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody_**

**_Don't worry about it honey_**

**_I never needed anybody_**

**_I never needed anybody, it won't change now **_**

Jess stood on the Gilmores' porch, breathing heavily. His heart was beating painfully against his ribs. _Damn it._ _Every time I'm around that girl I lose it!_ He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. 

He knew he shouldn't have touched her. He shouldn't have even followed her from the Diner. But it hurt him to not speak to her. It hurt to know exactly what he'd missed out on.

He sat on the top step, his head in his hands. His jaw muscles tightened and released as he tried to calm himself. His fingers twitched, and he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes. He only had one left, and he took a long drag off of it, feeling the nicotine flow through his veins. 

He sighed, relief finally coming to his racing heart. The air was cold enough to make it uncomfortable outside, and he was about to get up and leave when he heard the door open slowly behind him. He could feel Rory's eyes on his back. He turned to look at her.

She was leaning against the door-frame, bathed in warm light. She was grasping her forearms tightly, trying not to shiver in the breeze. 

"If you put that out, you can come in." Rory said quietly.

_But not because I like you or anything.__ It's just cold, and I wouldn't want you to get sick. Even though I hate you. Well, for all I care you **can** get sick! Smoke those goddamn cigarettes and sit outside in the cold and see if I care! Get pneumonia! Get cancer! I'll laugh when you die! I'll spit on your grave. No, don't die. I didn't mean it. Oh don't kill Jess I was joking!_

Rory shook her head, attempting to clear her inner monologue. Jess put out his cigarette and walked into the house, relaxing immediately as the warm air hit him. They settled into opposite ends of the couch, facing each other. 

The clock ticked loudly from the kitchen. 

Rory jumped up.

"So, you want a drink?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Oh. Okay."

"Okay."

Rory wiped her hands nervously on her pants.

"Well I'm gonna go get a drink."

"Okay."

Rory ran into the kitchen. She rested her forehead against the cool fridge. She felt a presence behind her and turned. Jess was standing all too close, and she flattened herself against the fridge. She could feel his body heat against hers, and it sent shivers coursing through every appendage in her body.

"I uh- I decided I wanted a drink."

"Oh." Rory replied breathily, not moving. He stepped closer.

"Rory, you're gonna have to move."

 Jess's voice said huskily in her ear as he took another step towards her, their bodies almost touching.

"Oh." 

Rory didn't move. She looked up at him, her eyes locking with his. She felt him start to move towards her, and her eyes fluttered closed. She could feel his breath on her lips, his skin so close to her.

_You're losing it, Mariano! Don't make this same mistake again. She'll just push you away._

Suddenly there was an absence of warmth, and Rory opened her eyes. Jess was 3 feet away, staring awkwardly at the floor with his hand in his hair. 

"Okay so, you wanted a drink, right?"

Rory opened the fridge. 

"We've got coke, water, and. . . well, that's it."

"Uh- Coke, thanks." Jess replied thickly. She handed him a coke and got one for herself, then led the way into the living room and sat on the couch again.

The clock ticked loudly. 

"So, did you want to talk to me, or were you just planning on sitting on my couch in awkward silence until I fall asleep and stealing all our appliances?"

Jess smiled slightly.

"Pretty much just sitting in awkward silence, but I guess I should talk, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you should."

Jess took a deep breath. Talking wasn't really his thing. He'd never understood what the outcome was supposed to be of talking. People tended to talk themselves in circles and usually ended up more confused than when they'd started. But somehow he knew if he didn't talk, he wouldn't get another chance to say what needed to be said, so he began speaking.

"When Jimmy came into town, it screwed everything up. Well everything was already screwed up with us, but it just made things worse. I never fit in this small fairy-tale bullshit town, and we both know it. The only thing keeping me here was you and I just. . . I could feel that falling apart. I didn't want to be around for the end, so I just skipped it. I went to Jimmy and tried to figure things out. All I thought about was you, Rory, and how I had to come back someday and apologize. I had to tell you that I love you, so here I am. . . I'm sorry, and I love you. That pretty much concludes this speech. Refreshments will be served at your convenience. . . here. Cause, well, it is your house."

Rory attempted a small smile. 

"You're an idiot." 

Jess's features darkened.

"Well, that's my cue to leave," he replied. 

He got up and started walking towards the door. 

"Don't walk out on me again."

Jess froze, his blood boiling.

"I don't need your permission, thank you very much," he replied, but didn't move towards the door.

"It's my turn."

Jess sat on the sofa next to the couch.

"How long?"

Jess was confused.

"How long what?"

"How long have you thought you felt like that?"

Jess laughed hollowly. 

"I don't know, Rory."

_Maybe when we first kissed, or when we first held hands. Maybe when she read Ayn Rand out loud to me. Maybe it was that last glance at the back of her head as she got off the bus in Hartford.  _

A nagging voice repeated itself over and over again in the back of his head.

_Maybe when I first laid eyes on her._

"You don't know? Well that's not good enough. I want to know when. At least approximately. I mean there must have been some big epiphany or something where you woke up and said 'Oh! I love Rory! I'm an idiot!'"

_Only every single moment since I left this god forsaken town._

"Nope, not really."

Rory nearly screamed in frustration. Things were so hot and cold with Jess. She never knew which it was going to be. Suddenly she had an inspiration. She got up and walked over to Jess, kneeling on the floor in front of him. She put her hands on his knees, and forced him to look at her.

"Jess. . ." She said quietly, "Be honest with me. Please."

Jess looked into her eyes and could feel the walls that he'd built tumbling down upon him. It was like he was suffocating and Rory was to be his sweet release. 

"It was gradual. It started the moment I met you. . . I knew as soon as I saw you that I'd have to make you mine. I guess I realized it when I called you at graduation, when you said that you loved me."

"So, that was you then."

Jess nodded silently, a small smile playing at his lips. 

"I should go."

AN/ Oh geez please review. This chapter was impossibly hard to write. Sorry it took so long though. 


	4. Like a Stone

Chapter Four: Like A Stone

_**__I was lost in the pages  
Of a book full of death  
Reading how we'll die alone  
And if we're good we'll lay to rest  
Anywhere we want to go**_

Rory's arms slid around Jess, trying to convince him to stay.

"I lied," she spoke quietly into his ear, her hot breath sending chills down his back. 

"I don't hate you." 

She rested her forehead against his collarbone, still kneeling in front of him. 

"I never could. I haven't stopped loving you."

 She felt white-hot tears on his neck and wondered absently whether they were hers or his.

He pulled her towards him until their chests were nearly touching and gripped her hips gently but securely as she came closer. Her heart began to race and nervousness was taking over. Jess's stomach suddenly let out a low growl.

Rory stepped back. 

"Are you hungry?" 

Not giving Jess a chance to respond, she got up and motioned for him to follow her into the kitchen. Jess sighed before following her slowly. He could still feel her tears burning the fabric of his shirt. He touched the wet spot lightly, wondering why he always was the one to make her cry. He knew there was something he was doing wrong, mistakes that had already been made could not be taken back. 

While he was following this train of thought Rory had been shuffling through the cabinets, pretending to look for something edible. Jess approached her slowly from behind and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly against his chest. She let her head drop towards her chest and interlaced her fingers with his, placing her arms around his. 

He held her momentarily, afraid to push her too far. He took a deep breath and let the intoxicating scent that was Rory cloud his judgment. His lips slowly descended upon her neck, his tongue flitting out, tasting her. Rory tensed and she quickly pulled away, flying across the room and hitting her back on the counter as she turned to face him. 

"You shouldn't do that." 

Her eyes were glazed, her face flushed, and lust tinged her words. She looked like she was about to fall into a puddle at his feet. He started to walk towards her, his eyes containing a fire she remembered all to well, but she protested.

"Jess, no. Stop."

He froze for a second, giving her a brief sense of relief.

"I love you, Rory Gilmore. You don't know what you do to me."

He started towards her again, and she could feel herself relenting. He placed each hand on either side of her on the counter, trapping her without touching her. 

"Please."

Rory gasped.

"Please what?" He teased gently. 

"Please stop? Please keep going? Please kiss me?"

She could feel tears pressing behind her eyelids. She couldn't let him do this to her again. But when he was so close she tended to forget exactly what was so bad about him doing this. A sob escaped her mouth as Jess's lips came slowly closer.

"Jess," she gasped as his lips touched hers, lightly at first. 

He could taste her tears and was overwhelmed with a desire to make them stop. His lips pressed into hers; gentle but demanding. His tongue fought for passage and he moaned as he succeeded, her hot mouth surrounding his tongue, welcoming it, the taste of her skin engraved in his memory.

He pressed his entire body close to hers, hips to hips, and she let out another gasp as passion totally overwhelmed her. His hands took hold of her hips, lifting her so she was sitting on the counter, her back against the wall. He had to lean to reach her lips with his own. 

He found the small sliver of exposed skin at the small of her back with his cold hands as her own framed his face, tracing the jaw line she remembered so well. Jess's hand made its way between her knees, separating them easily. He pulled her against him, her hips once again fitted to his. He could feel her heat. So close, only thin fabric separating them. 

She gasped his name again as he ran his tongue up her throat. Her hands found the hem of his shirt and she pulled it up, over his head. He was surprised as it fell to the floor. She placed her cold hands on the hot flesh of his back, pulling him close again, biting his lips, crushing him, bruising his lips and heart with her angry brutality. He couldn't remember her ever being so close to him. Her lips found his shoulders, kissing the bare skin towards his neck as the hand that wasn't holding him close explored his abs. 

Her tears had long since stopped as she was consumed by Jess's touch. By the feelings she got when they kissed. His hands fluttered in her hair and quickly up the back of her shirt, unhooking her bra. She didn't have time to process this before her shirt and bra joined his shirt on the floor and Jess's arms were wrapped around her, taking them into her room. He sat himself down on the bed, Rory in his lap. She pushed on his chest, sending him backwards as she kissed his abs, leading downwards, her tongue circling his belly-button. He let out a gasp at the sensation. Encouraged, she continued downward. Jess's eyes flew open and he grabbed her shoulders, pulling her lips to his. 

He could taste tears again as their kisses slowed, and his hands restrained themselves to just her face and neck. It was as if she could see what was coming.

"Please don't go."

She sobbed into his chest. He didn't know how to reply. He didn't want to ruin the chance of having some semblance of a relationship, and he knew taking advantage of her like this was not the right thing to do.

"Rory, I'll be back tomorrow. Please, I just have to go."

She wasn't ready to let him go, and he let her hold on for a while before he stood. He went to the kitchen to collect his things and Rory didn't follow. He knew he'd done the right thing. But there was a tightness in his pants and an aching in his heart that were telling him to go back into her room and make love to her all night long.

_Not yet._

He told himself over and over again as he walked the streets of Stars' Hollow that night. 

_She's not ready yet._


End file.
